A.C. Benson
Some days I really just don't want to be me. Yeah, I am sure that comes across as some super sensitive 14 year old girl who doesn't get her way, but don't all of us have that in us from time to time? If we're really honest with ourselves, don't we all just have our days or weeks where we just want to get our way? Maybe it is just me, well, in addition to actual 14 year old girls, but I'm willing to go ahead and say that I have those feelings.
My brain is telling me not to say that because I have a hard enough time being a "man" as it is. I have very little body/facial hair, my voice isn't what one would categorize as manly(especially when it randomly cracks), I'm not really into hunting/guns/UFC/Action movies/cars/heavy metal...this could go on and on. I am pretty passive and laid back. The thing is, I'm okay with all of that. I don't think that I need some way to prove myself. So what if I cried like a baby during a film like Dead Man Walking? Is it really a big deal if I would rather spend a day at the mall than a day fixing a car or shooting a gun?
The thing is: no one has ever confronted me about my lack of manliness. I doubt anyone even knows that I cried during Dead Man Walking or Up. And now that you know, you probably are wondering why I am pondering on it. This isn't some way of me coming out of the closet as a film crier. It's more a question of my identity, and where I get it from.
We all seek to be seen in a certain light. Some of us are able to reach a level where we say, "This is who I am". But it's rare that a person truly has one of those euphoric moments. It's sad because I think an identity is a terrible thing to lose sleep over, and I don't technically lose sleep over my identity per say, but I do wonder about job's or things in my life, what should I get rid of? What should I keep in order to maintain the identity, or the me I want others to see, or at least think I am?
Part of my identity, and I am slowly realizing this about myself, is wrapped up in pretending I could care less about my identity. To a degree this is actually true. I can throw clothes on and not really care how "cool" I look as long as I'm comfortable, and it doesn't cause me to wonder what others are thinking of what I am wearing. But, at the same time, I have realized that I maintain a certain level of sameness throughout the years in order to not surprise people, so that way they aren't questioning my identity. I have had the same hairstyle(off and on) for most of my life. I still dress pretty much how I did in high school(plaid shirt and jeans FTW). It's all a matter of how I want to be perceived. I see the weakness in others(mainly women) who worry deeply about their dress when going out. The time it eats away. But what I don't realize is that my identity is no stronger than theirs. Mine is probably weaker. Mine is so weak, in fact, that I am living in fear. The fear that someone is going to call me out on my search for an identity.
My identity is me, but I am not my identity.
Fear is something I live my life by. Love is nice. Faith is cool. Hope is sweet. Truth. Happiness. Friendship. All the things we read in Hallmark cards is what we would like to be defined by. I know I would. They are cheesy but we buy them in bundles and give them to each other because they represent what we want to be or say or do.
When FDR said we should "fear nothing but fear itself" he was speaking truth. Fear only leads to more fear. I just cannot detach myself from my fear. I have convinced myself of that. I have befriended fear. I have slept with fear. Made babies with fear, and fear and I are raising our little fear children as I type this. But that relationship with fear has made a shell out of me. I want to be an honest person but I am afraid to be. Whoever said "honesty is the best policy" probably never had any friends. It's hard to be truly honest and be loved. There are parts of us that are ours, and if we're honest with others, those parts of our self will no longer be our own.
We all like to say we're open books, but we aren't. We're sitting on the shelf, a little dusty, maybe we're opened up every now and then to remind ourselves that we are still alive, but we're never read in depth. We're medicated, obsessed, critical of others, and detached.
I am disgusted with myself when I think about the ways I have allowed fear to control my motives. In the bigger picture and the little picture. Fear has put out the fire and the passion in my heart to do anything. Almost every decision in my life was predicated by fear and even if I overcame the fear and made the decision, that's usually only because there was a greater fear outside of that.
My identity is made up of many things, some good, mostly bad. Here is the way I see myself in all honesty:
I am ugly, but only half the time.
I am fat, but mostly okay with it.
I am pale, and totally okay with it.
I lack discipline.
I lie every day.
I don't do enough.
I rarely do anything.
I have a lot of love and compassion for people.
I am a good writer...sometimes.
I think I am genuinely genuine(how's that for an adjective) 90% of the time and a completely false person 10% of the time..
I can be funny.
I need to be funny.
I have placed much of my identity in making others laugh and when they don't I feel like a failure.
I love playing music but I am terrible.
I want to impress people with knowledge I possess but don't want to seem as if I am trying to impress them...and I hate myself for admitting that.
I am a happy person 97% of the time and the other 3% I am incredibly depressed.
I doubt myself.
I doubt God.
I make myself my own god.
I have trust issues...not in a lack of trust, but in too much trust...except when it comes to politics or religion. I have lack of trust issues there, but for good reason.
I want to make everyone happy even people I hate.
I don't want to hate anyone, but sometimes I do...and it's probably you.
I like attention but I don't like to look like I like attention.
Most of my life is summed up in enjoying something but not wanting to seem as if I enjoy something because if someone knew I was enjoying said thing, they might think I am ridiculous.
I feel like my lack of mentioning God will make some people question my faith, but though I have my doubts I hold strong to my faith, and am becoming more reliant on it through my fear.
I said the that last thing because I was afraid of being judged.
There's so much more baggage of identity crisis that I carry but just cannot remember or bring myself to say. I know we all have this, we all carry it around, and we just don't have to. I'm trying to rid myself of it.
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